Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family