That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Don’t we all.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Customize Your Wedding.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.