Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
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Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Phonetics
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
We like the way Dwight thinks
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad