me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
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POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either