My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
all that yoga finally paid off
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee