After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“Huge”.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?