Investing in beetcoin
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Breaking news:
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*