I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.