Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Boating season is upon us.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Trying
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”