He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*