I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Simple
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”