We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My favorite farside!!
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
every single time
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣