Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
taking June’s advice to heart
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?