13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
#Caturday
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh