Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*