The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.