Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.