[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[eats all your cotton candy]
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
and this one
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.