I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
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“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home