“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
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afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Just a friendly reminder!
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family