the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
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Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”