A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
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Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime