inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Cndnsd Mlk
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again