Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”