Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?