[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!