So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
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I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Tremendous stuff
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”