An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
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In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.