I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.