I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
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Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.