[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
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Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.