Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
This is painfully accurate 😅
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.