Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden