disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY