Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”