Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
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NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Uh oh…
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away