What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Terribly Tuesday.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.