6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]