My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?