her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir