FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
You Might Also Like
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
love it when they get my name right
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x