“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
We need more people like this.