“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
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Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.