[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I only treason on days ending in y
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Yup.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House