Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
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*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time