Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon