My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
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Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist