The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
You Might Also Like
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.