Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.