I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
911: what鈥檚 your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won鈥檛 listen to us
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
(during sex)
Don鈥檛 move! Don鈥檛 move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
This edible ain鈥檛 shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My kids act like they鈥檙e afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I鈥檝e ever met.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
馃幎Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn